Gone, Baby. Gone.

In March 2010, I was having dinner at a Mexican restaurant with a handful of other teachers and the writer Judith Ortiz Cofer.   Cofer was the visiting dignitary to the two-year college where I work here in small-town Georgia, and six or seven of us had taken her to the only joint in town with decent grub.   Over the chips and salsa, Cofer was lamenting the gone-baby-gone days of the "bad boys" of the trade — writers like James Dickey who, when hired to read on a university campus, would end up drunkenly serenading the college President's fifteen-year-old daughter at five in the morning from the lawn beneath her bedroom window.   Those were the days, Cofer said, when writers were dangerous.

Well.

I don’t know about that.

But I do know that Barry Hannah is often remembered as being of those days, and so when the conversation inevitably turned to his legendary gun and trumpet, I couldn’t help smiling.  The truth was I, now a teacher of the trade and a struggler at the craft, had not known a dangerous man.  In fact, I had learned to write at the feet of a man who, when he smiled, resembled nothing so much as someone’s sweet grandmother.  A grandmother, sure, who wore leather and rode a motorcycle down the back-roads of rural Mississippi.  A grandmother, sure, who professed a deep admiration for the intricate mechanisms of firearms.

But dangerous?

There was nothing dangerous about the man I saw in Wal-Mart in 2006 on a snowy night in Oxford, Mississippi, wearing a woman’s scarf and gray sweat pants and pawing through the five-dollar bin of DVDs, looking, like me, I guess, for something special to watch on a cold winter’s evening.

In the 2004 winter issue of The Paris Review, Barry Hannah tells interviewer Lacey Galbraith about the incident in Alabama that became infamous, how he once brought an empty pistol into a workshop and “twirled the chambers to explain six movements in a short story.”  This had been a lifetime ago, a drunken mistake that became the specters of things Barry had done only vaguely, haunting him into old age.  In the interview, Lacey kids him as to whether he remembers what the six movements were.  “No,” he tells her.  “I could make something up, but it would be untrue….”

In the wake of his death, one or two writers out there have attempted to canonize Barry’s apocryphal past.  If you’re like me, you’ve probably read a few of these in search of something honest.  One of the worst pieces I read was by a New Orleans writer.  He paints a picture of a shit-faced but ambitious skirt chaser casting a fly rod from a balcony on Decatur Street.  All things the writer of the piece didn’t witness, mind you, because he was too much of a ninny to drop by his buddy’s party and actually meet Hannah.  The piece celebrates the writer’s cowardice.  It’s a strange, mealy kind of tribute, one I’d wager Barry would have been baffled by.  Secondhand tales set down as first-person remembrances, all done in the spirit of love.  Odd.

Barry always spoke of his past in interviews as a joyous, messy time, stopping well shy of naming regrets.  By the time I knew him, though, his bad-boy days — the booze, the carousing, the guns and trumpets — had become as central to his life and writing as his forgotten six movements.  Instead, he’d tell you it was a vision of Christ that had begun to inform his life and work, a deeply tanned man standing quietly at his sickbed.  “I haven’t paid you enough attention,” Barry told him.

Dangerous?

No.

Kind.  Generous.

Considerate.

At a party I attended my first year in the program, Barry’s wife Susan — gone, as well, now — found me hugging a wall and suggested I “quiet down.”  Moments later I shared my first words with Barry, who sat in a chair in a corner, drinking a Red Bull.  I learned he, like me, didn't care for these academic shindigs.  My God, though, how many of them he must have gone to in his life, and this was only my first.  I loved him immediately, if only because his soul seemed that of a quiet, thoughtful man’s who’d rather be home reading with a dog at his socked feet.  So that’s pretty much what I did when it came to parties for the next three years: stayed home.  Barry went, of course.  In truth, he carried the mantle of writing god with immeasurable grace in Oxford, a place at once expert and ignorant of men like Barry Hannah.  They love their mythic drunken writers so in Oxford, toast them with champagne and without irony when they’re over a decade sober.  It’s no secret that Barry sometimes chafed at that love, likening Oxford, as he put it, to a kind of “theme park for writers,” more enamored with myth than truth.  If he was dangerous, he was dangerous only to everyone’s idea of themselves.  He walked taller than the pretenders, and there were a lot of pretenders in Oxford.

Anyway, now that Barry’s gone, I hope the legends unspool until there’s nothing left to hold them together, and the only thing that remains is this: he lived, he wrote, he taught, he loved, he died; he did all of these with grace and as much dignity as they required.

Someone somewhere, I know, remembers James Dickey sitting quietly in a room, feeling old and thoughtful.  But where’s the fun in telling that story? It’s not even a story, not by the standards of Barry’s fiction.  No beginning, no end, just interminable middle.  No thrill.  No danger.

Just an old man looking for a good story cheap on a cold night. 

I guess I could make something up, but it would be untrue.