Because atmospheric water facilitates undesirable, tear-inducing emotions, a dehumidifier is an affordable DIY alternative to regular psychiatric counseling and costly mood-altering medication. If run continuously, the dehumidifier will foster an arid home environment, suitable for the narrowest range of emotional response. In such an environment, the human body will likewise be rid of unnecessary moisture. The mouth, housing a colorless, pumice-like tongue, will lose the flexibility necessary for the formation of vowel-shapes; thus, outright crying, a purely vowelistic utterance, will be impossible. To ensure optimal aridity, it is recommended that all sources of water in the home be shut off. Bathing should be restricted to no more than once a month and should ideally take place at the local YMCA by running a damp cloth over the arms and legs. For practical reasons having to do with the ingestion and digestion of food, the kitchen will need to be demarcated as a “moisture-rich-area” and stocked with several 12 oz. bottles of water to be opened only at designated mealtimes. Seated at the table, each family member will need his own eye-dropper, which will be used to apply one drop of water to the mouth per bite of food. Family members should volunteer on a rotational basis to police the kitchen doorway at all other times of day. Inevitably, you will doze at your post and wake during the night to find your loved one seated at the kitchen table, amidst a forest of empty bottles, scrunching his face in a frightening manner and emitting an odd, musical noise. Put him to bed immediately, tucking the covers tightly around his body so that he feels secure and comfortably restricted. (A woolen blanket works best, the corner of which can be used to dry the surface of his face and the inside of his mouth.) Sit on the edge of his bed and reassure him by making short, hard consonant-clicks with your tongue. As a last resort, open one bottle of water and wet your own mouth, only enough to clumsily form a few rounded words, such as O-o-o-ka-a-ay, okaaay…