Bernadette Mayer’s Outline of Scientific Method

1. Pick a word or phrase at random, let mind use the scientific method to explore observations and answer questions. In other words, design an experiment so that changes to one item cause something else to vary in a predictable way.

2. Any useful hypothesis will enable predictions by systematically eliminating the use of certain kinds of words or phrases from a piece of writing.

3. Derange the language of measurement: write a work consisting only of prepositional phrases, or, use a stopwatch to time the fall of an already existing work.

4. When performing an experiment containing unique specimens, let them demand their own form.

5. Eliminate material from a piece of your own writing until it is a facility that provides controlled conditions in which waste management operations can be safely performed.

6. The next step is to consider the statistical assumptions being made in pushing metaphor and simile as far as you can. For example, use the null hypothesis to write about childhood or a logical fallacy to describe a shirt.

7. Take an idea, anything that interests you, or an object, then spend a few days rejecting it outright in order to preserve the integrity of the peer-review process.

8. Scientific process doesn’t have an end. It’s circular: put pen to paper and don’t stop.

Bernadette Mayer’s All-in-One Resource for Pregnancy & Childbirth

1. Pick a word or phrase at random, let mind’s reactions to a positive pregnancy test range from total denial to unmitigated glee to hyperventilating horror. Don’t blame yourself for your emotions—there’s no wrong way to react to such big and shocking news.

2. The first part of your prenatal visit will involve answering plenty of questions about systematically eliminating the use of certain kinds of words or phrases from a piece of writing.

3. Derange the language of your own pregnancy calendar: write a work consisting only of prepositional phrases, or, keep a chart of what you’ve eaten of an already existing work.

4. As your baby develops, let it demand its own form.

5. Eliminate material from a piece of your own writing until it is getting more blood in its outer lips, which may give it a dark, swollen appearance.

6. After you’re admitted to the hospital, you may be given a routine blood test to check if you’re pushing metaphor and simile as far as you can. For example, use the concept of informed consent to write about childhood or dilation to describe a shirt.

7. Take an idea, anything that interests you, or an object, then spend a few days covered with a warm blanket while your vital signs are being closely monitored.

8. You made it! Your labor is over, you’ve given birth, and now it’s time to return home and put pen to paper and don’t stop.

Bernadette Mayer’s Gratuitous Art

1. Pick a word or phrase at random, let mind’s refusal to be sated by the demarcations of “reality” as defined by others represent the most unapologetic example of “poetry-by-the-yard” produced in the seventies.

2. Of course, the distinction between “writing” and “living” is semantic, or nonsensical, in that writing always gets written by systematically eliminating the use of certain kinds of words or phrases from a piece of writing.

3. Derange the language of a heterosexual marriage with children: write a work consisting only of prepositional phrases, or, elevate the cravings of an already existing work.

4. To take up this invitation [to “refuse to understand what one means”] is to take leave of the writer-as-analysand/reader-as-analyst metaphor that has come to structure so much of the twentieth-century reading experience, and to let it demand its own form.

5. Eliminate material from a piece of your own writing until it is unpaid, uncalled for, unjustifiable, and, in a complex sense of the word, free.

6. Traditionally speaking, poetry is by definition an art of pushing metaphor and simile as far as you can. For example, use a private language to write about childhood or evidence a logorrhea to describe a shirt.

7. Take an idea, anything that interests you, or an object, then spend a few days in the apprehension, however dim, of a world in which words are neither spent nor saved.

8. Work that depends on its larger gestures nearly always includes its failures as well as its successes. For this reason, put pen to paper and don’t stop.

Bernadette Mayer’s Semi-Homemade Desserts

1. Pick a word or phrase at random, let mind have its cake and eat it too. In today’s hectic world, with the constant crunch of jobs, families, and errands, it’s all too easy to get caught up in the craziness and forget to savor the sweeter side of life.

2. Always preheat the oven 15 minutes before putting poetry in to bake. An oven that is too hot or too cold can systematically eliminate the use of certain kinds of words or phrases from a piece of writing.

3. Derange the language of traditional yellow cupcakes: write a work consisting only of prepositional phrases, or, match the icing to the table linens of an already existing work.

4. HELPFUL HINTS, TIPS, and TRICKS: Set the stage for an amorous evening with music that’s as smooth as champagne. Relaxing to Sade, “Love Deluxe” helps you unwind; John Coltrane, “Coltrane for Lovers” jazzes things up, lets them demand their own form.

5. Eliminate material from a piece of your own writing until it is crisp and golden, ready to serve.

6. Be generous with the caramel—and don’t be afraid to let it drip down the sides, pushing metaphor and simile as far as you can.

7. Take an idea, anything that interests you, or an object, then spend a few days eating the cherry off the top of it, drinking the syrup for a nightcap chaser.

8. Entertaining is easy—all it takes is a little know-how and ingenuity. The secret is to keep the basics simple and to put pen to paper and don’t stop.